My ex-husband, Max, has brown eyes and long, black eyelashes. (I always said those eyelashes were wasted on a man.) Through our eight years together, I saw his eyes light up with joy. I saw them darken with secrecy. I saw them dull with shock and denial.
This time, I was seeing something I had not seen before. Could it be fear?
Max stood in front of me, shifting his weight, fidgeting his hands. He stood seven inches taller than me, but felt smaller. What was going on? We have been divorced for two years. What on earth was there for him to say to me that could reduce him to this?
“Kat,” his voice quivering ever so slightly, “I have to tell you something.”
“OK…” I replied. “Go ahead. You can tell me anything.”
“Well, we are engaged…”
Engaged?! I didn’t even know he was dating someone. In fact, I had assumed he hadn’t even kissed anyone since me. We got divorced because of his lack of desire for sex, so it didn’t occur to me that he would even want to date. He was so resistant to working on himself when we were in therapy. But I guessed this was good, right? Maybe this means he was coping with his problems and moving on? I can be brave and make myself happy for my ex-husband.
But there was more.
“…because she’s pregnant.”
Oh god. No. No. No!
Everything started flashing. I couldn’t breathe. My stomach filled with ice.
We were supposed to have children together. We were going to be amazing parents. When he took away sex, he took away our shared vision of parenthood. How the fuck could he already be in a romantic relationship complete with physical intimacy? Seven out of our eight years together I was desperate for intimacy. Five out of our eight years together we were in therapy. I wanted him to want me, and for seven years, he rejected me.
Now I’m 35, single, and unsure if motherhood is something that even makes sense for me anymore. All because my husband would not (could not?) make love to his wife.
And now some other woman is pregnant with the child that was supposed to be mine?! It was more than I could bear. Like a pipe filling with ice, I was on the verge of bursting, a flood of fury and sadness and longing and jealousy.
I dropped my head in my hands as vertigo set in.
“This isn’t real. This isn’t real. This isn’t real!” I shrieked.
I couldn’t tell if the words were firing in my brain or if they were escaping my mouth.
I couldn’t tell if the words were firing in my brain or if they were escaping my mouth.
Then, I woke up.
My heart was pounding and tears hovered in my tear ducts. I was all alone in my bed.
My heart was pounding and tears hovered in my tear ducts. I was all alone in my bed.
I was right. It wasn't real.
How do you feel about your ex moving on? Are you happy for him or her?
How do you feel about your ex moving on? Are you happy for him or her?
I have similar dreams about my ex. Mostly that he is now engaged to the woman he cheated on me with for 4 months, that I think ended after those 4 months. But when he tells me he got someone pregnant or is engaged I know I will go through the whirlwind of emotions you were describing. I hope you are recovering from this dream.
ReplyDeleteFunny...but I'm completely on the other side of that one. If my ex ever told me that he was engaged and "pregnant", all I could feel is relief, and perhaps a bit sad for the new girl because at last he would finally have something other than me to obsess about. But I'm very certain that you will be having that conversation with him long before he'd be having that conversation with you. Chin up my dear.
ReplyDeleteImagining you ex with another woman is one of the hardest things you will go through post divroce. When my ex husband got remarried, I was devasted. I was clear I didn't want to be with him. BUtthe idea of him having the life we were supposed to have with someone else KILLED me. Especially when I hadn't found my husband and had my kids yet! You are not alone.
ReplyDeleteDreams are crazy things, aren't they? I had this dream probably two weeks ago and clearly it still has me rattled.
ReplyDeleteAs always, thank you for reading and your kind words!
ReplyDeleteYes, exactly!!! I don't want to be with at all, but the idea of him having that life with someone else... GRRRR / wahhhh.
ReplyDeleteWhoa! That is a horrid nightmare. Especially the part where he gets to have kids and you don't! Yuck!!!!
ReplyDeleteSo my first wife met someone and was getting re-married about a year or so after we got divorced. All I could think is that I hoped they got along better than we did. I didn't stay in touch and so I have no idea how it panned out.
My second wife, the one I have my son with, was seeing this guy that my son told me a little about. I was kinda upset at first, but then figured maybe if it gets her off my back, well and good. Then I haven't heard much in the last couple months from my son and am wondering if that is good or bad. maybe bad as I don't want a bunch of temporary men in my son's life.
I guess ultimately it would be nice if she would remarry and have another child. Then she might focus less on my relationship with my son. She is taking him to a wedding in San Diego in a couple weeks, but hasn't told me whose. Maybe if I am lucky, it will be hers!
Man, Kat- that was really hard to read. My heart breaks for you. Your feelings are certainly relatable... I don't think anyone likes the idea of any of their exes ever moving on, so I can't imagine an ex who was a husband and the relationship ended for lack of intimacy and then, bam, this. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteScary, Kat... I actually had a dream very similar a few months back and scared the crap out of me!
ReplyDeleteYour blog inspired me to get writing again... Check it out if you have a chance! unfiltereddiscourse.blogspot.com
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ReplyDeleteThanks for reading and I'm so glad you're writing again!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words. Thank goodness it was only a dream... hopefully if/when it's real, I'll be a bit stronger and ready to handle it.
ReplyDeleteMy situation was quite different from yours, but regardless, it's a tough pill to swallow, the idea of your ex being happy with with someone else. :(
ReplyDeleteIt's such a crazy concept that someday Max and I might know nothing about each other anymore. We don't communicate often, but it's nice knowing that we CAN.
ReplyDeleteMuch more complicated for your with the second wife, given that you have to co-parent with her. Fingers crossed she finds herself a partner soon and leaves you alone!
I was thinking of this today. I am not sure how I would feel if he told me he was getting married and having kids. He alwasy was against having a family, so I think I would feel like he'd betrayed me.
ReplyDeleteIt's a very complex -- and sad -- thing to think about.
ReplyDeleteHi
ReplyDeleteMy divorce went though in March. We have been separated for three years in September. I have two beautiful children
.. He has had a new girlfriend for a year and a half.... I was waiting for them to break up so I could attempt to fix our relationship and try again and my children would be so happy. But I didn't want to be the one to break them up. Today he told me they having their own child...
I am heart broken... I feel betrayed... I'm worried about my children coming second! I don't know how to make this better?