Avoiding Zombies, Sleepovers, and Guys in Their 20s: My 9 Lessons Learned After A Year of Post-Divorce Dating

A year ago, I ventured into the wild world of dating. It had been almost nine years since I was last single. Holy crap, stuff had changed. Online dating was hardly a thing in 2004. The only social networking site anyone used was Friendster. Texting? Yeah right. People still made phone calls on their Razr flip phones. And, most of all, I was nine years older and reentering the dating world with the experience (baggage) of having been in a sexless relationship with an upstanding guy.

Suffice it to say that shit was really different being on the dating scene again in 2013. But you know what? I’ve loved dating. It’s been fascinating to flirt, approach guys, kiss, screw, reject guys, get rejected. I love observing myself and reflecting on my choices. It’s like I’m opening this whole new side to myself, and, man, does she love dating!

Anyway, an old friend of mine, Pete, is recently divorced and attempting to date, so he’s been checking with me and asking about my dating experience.  So, let’s capture my post-divorce/mid-30s dating experience in this week’s blog entry.

My 9 lessons learned from getting back into dating:

1. Don’t go looking for the next significant other or spouse.
   When you first start dating, just have fun. I had no idea what my taste or desire was, so I just went out with anyone who wasn’t a zombie, bigot, or murderer. Thanks to this approach, I met Jason, the Incredible Sex, who turned out to be the perfect person to help me rediscover my sexual self (without the messiness of emotions) and have peel-me-off-the-ceiling sex.
2. It’s OK to have some requirements for dating – and it’s also OK to actually adhere to them.
   I said last year that I had four basic requirements for dating me, and I’ve violated them time and again. I came up with that list with a clear head. I was on to something, so it’s time to start listening to me! (For example, NO MORE 27-YEAR-OLDS.)
3. Getting dressed up is fun.
   Indulge in yourself and have fun dressing for your date. Whatever your best asset is, own it and flaunt it. I’ve been known to send bathroom selfies to my girlfriends so they can tell me what to wear. After years of not being desired, it felt amazing to dress to be noticed and be called sexy.
4. Sleepovers will be really hard.
   Honestly, I had more trouble with my first sleepovers than my first sex. Sleeping over is so very intimate, so don’t rush it. Waking up (assuming you were able to actually sleep) next to someone who isn’t your former spouse is super weird and pretty sad. I spent my first sleepover staring at the clock and contemplating jumping out the window (being on the 39th floor ruled that out).
5. Don’t recycle.
   Give just about anyone a chance, but only one. If it didn’t work with the person on the first time, it probably won’t on the second, third, or twelfth. (See: me with Jason. Or Todd. Or John.)
6. Deleting numbers from your phone feels good...
   I’m big on deleting people from my phone. After the “we’re not a match for dating” conversation, he’s out of my phone. I like the symbolism of deleting someone.
7. …but deleting doesn’t make people disappear! 
   Every guy I’ve deleted from my phone has reappeared! Yup, Todd, John, Zach, Sean, Aaron. They have all come back. (See Lesson 5.) In most cases I could figure out who it was. The best was when I knew it was Aaron, who dumped me in February, asking me to get together for a drink sometime – at 11 p.m. on a Thursday! – and I responded, “I’m sorry, but who is this?” He didn’t respond, and I think it’s safe to say he’ll never contact me again. Ha!
8. People are weirded out that I might blog about them.
   I’ve learned to keep my blog on the DL. Apparently dates don’t want to be written about. For example, Carl. (Too bad, potential suitors! I’m still going to write about you.)
9. Stay true to you.
   I’ve kept a close watch over myself in this sense. First, I stayed single for a while and enjoyed my own company before jumping into dating. I had never been 33 years old and divorced before, so I had no idea what I was doing when I started dating a year ago. All I knew is that I lost some of myself in my marriage, so I had to make sure that I didn’t let that happen again. Part of the thrill of dating is the unknown, but the thrill doesn’t change that you are you. Don’t try to change to be anything you are not.

Don't go out with this guy.
He could be a bigot.

Most of all, I try to live by my brother’s advice: 

I will not be with someone who needs to be convinced that
he wants to be with me. 

He should see me for who I am and just want to be with me. 

As I’ve said before, Max was far from a perfect husband, but he never needed convincing to be with me. He always felt like he was fortunate to be with me.

I would much rather be single than be with someone who is only “meh” about me.

DATING UPDATE:
I had a second date on Sunday with Nick, a guy I was set up with on a blind date, then tomorrow I’m hanging out with Steve (pointless, but fun), then on Saturday I’m going out with Nick again, and finally next Sunday I’m going out with Andrew, a guy I met last night through a friend. Yup, I like dating. Who knows, one of these days dating might even lead to a boyfriend! And in the meantime, I will keep enjoying my life. I am quite good at being single.

What did you learn about dating after your divorce or breakup?