I Had Lunch with My Ex-Husband's Family. It Made Me Happy.

When you get divorced, it’s not just wedding gifts that divided into His and Hers piles. Relationships also end up in piles. No matter how much you liked your ex’s parents or best friend or personal trainer, when the marriage is over, his people go with him and her people go with her.

Unless, of course, we’re talking about my ex-husband’s parents.

Driving to My Ex-Husband's Parents' House 

After seeing Journey and Steve Miller Band with my college friend Colette on Friday night, I awoke Saturday morning with a mix of anticipation and anxiety. You see, Colette lives less than an hour from Max’s parents, so I had arranged to visit them. (Max’s mom, Sara, and I email here and there, and she enthusiastically invited me for lunch.)

I couldn’t show up empty handed, but I knew better than to ask Sara what I could bring. Like my late grandma, Sara loves you by feeding you. So, I stopped for flowers because one can never go wrong with flowers. Well, this is kind of embarrassing, but I agonized over what to buy. What kind of flowers do you bring to your ex-husband’s parents when they’re hosting you for lunch and you haven’t seen them in almost two years? I didn’t want to look cheap or like I tried too hard. After about half an hour, I selected a yellow and purple mixed bouquet. OK, I told myself, no more stalling. Get going!

As I drove to their house, I couldn’t believe that it had been nearly two years since I last saw them, and that was to say goodbye. That day, they found out from me – not their son – that our divorce was imminent. It was one of the saddest, most heart wrenching moments of my life. As I got closer to their house, I felt more and more nervous.

What would it be like to see them?
Would it be too sad to be in their house?
Would we be able to hold a conversation?

My Ex Mother-In-Law Feeds Me 

I pulled into the driveway and saw Max’s sister. I was never close to either of his sisters and I very much doubt that his sisters know why we got divorced. But, as if no time had passed, we hugged and said hello.

And just like I used to, I walked in to the kitchen through the side door, the door that family uses. The kitchen smelled warmly of roast chicken and tomato sauce. First John, my former father-in-law, came into the kitchen with a grin and embraced me. Sara came in right behind him with a huge smile on her face with her arms spread wide. She held me extra long, the kind of hug you reserve for certain moments with certain people.

“Oh honey, it’s so good to see you,” she said in my ear.

I handed her the flowers, and she gratefully accepted them, chattering away that it was very nice of me but not necessary.

“Sara, I knew better than to offer to bring food!” I said, and she shrugged and laughed.

As she fussed with getting a vase for the flowers, John and I stood around the kitchen as the chicken and stuffed shells (vegetarian for me!) finished cooking. They asked me about the usual stuff – work, my parents, my niece and nephews. It felt a touch awkward, but not too bad. We were off to a good start for being ex family members.

Lunch was ready and the four of us sat down in the dining room. I sat in my usual chair, except my husband wasn’t sitting beside me. Remarkably, conversation flowed quite naturally. As we finished eating, I heard a car in the driveway.

Max.

My Ex-Husband Shows Up

I hadn’t seen Max since we had lunch four months ago. He knew I would be at his parents’ house today, and I knew it was possible we could be there at the same time, but I hoped our paths wouldn’t cross. I mean, how weird is that to be in HIS parents’ house with his ex-wife?! But, there he was, walking towards the house. I guess he didn’t think it would be weird.

I did a gut check. Was I going to cry? Lose my lunch? Be cool, Kat, be cool.

He entered the house and smiled at me.

Oh, that smile.

I got up and went right to him and we embraced.

This felt wonderful.
Totally strange too, but wonderful.

With the familiarity of an eight-year relationship and without the bitterness of divorce, Max and I started chatting away about this and that. He proudly showed me his new road bike that he bought with his work bonus. I told him that I was condo hunting. It all felt friendly and warm and… normal. Totally weird in theory, but normal.

Next, Matt’s other sister and her young daughter came over. She too greeted me just as she would have two years ago. The three of us did the small talk thing, then she told Max and me that she was pregnant, just as she would have two years ago.

(Whoah, Sara never took down photos from Max's and my wedding day. That was very surprising.)

Finally, it was time for Father’s Day cake. No meal is complete with Sara’s homemade cake. I sat at the dining room table savoring a huge slice of chocolate cake with a cup of coffee. It could just as easily have been five years earlier, except, to me, without the heaviness of the secret of my dysfunctional relationship with Sara’s son.

Saying Goodbye to His Family (Again)

I glanced at the clock. I had been there for almost two and a half hours! It felt so good being back with my former family, but I didn’t want to overstay my welcome. One by one, I hugged them goodbye: my ex sisters-in-law, my ex niece, my ex father-in-law, then my ex mother-in-law.

Again, Sara held me extra close and extra long and
whispered in my ear, “I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” I whispered back.

Max and I walked out of the kitchen door. He walked me to my car (well, his former car), and we discussed when we’d have him come visit me in Ford for a lunch date. He hugged me goodbye.

As I drove out of town, I marveled at the lovely afternoon I had. How was I this blessed to still be able to be friendly with my ex-husband and his family? It’s like I’m getting the best of Max without the heaviness and sadness of trying to make our marriage work. I realized that because Max and I never betrayed a trust or disrespected each other, we are able to be our unique version of friends/family that we are today.

I am so very grateful.

(Cliffhangers: That night, I had an impromptu date with an adorable 27-year-old. I’m in the process of buying my beloved apartment! Details to come…)

Are you friendly with your ex’s family?