My Boyfriend is NOT an Insecure, Sleazy Vegan Who Doesn't Drink or Eat Gluten

"If I wuz ya boyfriend, I'd never let ya go!"

Dear Boyfriend,

I can’t wait to meet you!

It’s been just about two years since my relationship with Max ended, the day he told me that he wasn't attracted to me. Since then, I have cried in bathrooms, gone and still go to therapy, blogged and tweeted, ran two half marathons, and dated my Mr. Right Now. I continue to soul search and grow from my divorce so I can have an open heart and mind when I meet you.

In January of 2014, I decided I was ready to find you.

You might be anywhere, which is very exciting. I could meet you in the bagel shop, at my office (that’s where I met Max), at a gas station, on a dating website, or at Chipotle. So, I have been trying extra hard to talk to strangers. After all, you are probably a stranger to me right now.

Well, Boyfriend, last week I met two guys and I learned some things about what you will not do. 

1. You will not treat me like Foursquare.

I met this guy, Steve, at a bar. I didn’t really think he would be you, but I guess I was feeling friendly and optimistic. The night after we met, Steve asked if I wanted to meet him out. I said I had plans with friends. He then texted me four more times over the next 90 minutes, checking in with his location! What was this, reverse stalking? What the hell did I care which bar he was at? I said I was busy! 

Boyfriend, you will not be so needy and insecure or desperate to get laid or whatever.

2. You will not make sexually suggestive comments (until we are dating, of course).

After Steve got my number, he noticed pink streaks on the underside of my hair. He proceeded to make comments in person and then repeatedly over text about wanting to see my “wild side.” Ewww. ( I broke plans to meet him for drinks. He was clearly not you, dear Boyfriend.)

OMG, you're gorgeous.

3. You will not shun delicious wheat and eggs and cheese.

I went out twice with Bill, a short, small man who I met through OKCupid. Bill is smart and interesting but once I found out that he was a vegan who doesn’t eaten gluten, I knew he wasn’t you. Yes, I follow a strict vegetarian diet, but I am not vegan. That’s just too big of a pain in the ass. AND he doesn't eat gluten?! (And no, he does not have celiac.) I pictured him nibbling on grass. But maybe dirt has gluten?! Sigh.

Mark my words, Boyfriend: you and I will eat amazing egg and cheese bagel sandwiches on Sundays. And yes, you can have bacon on your sandwich.

4.     You will not order unsweetened iced tea… at a bar.

Bill asked me out for coffee for our first meeting, and I thought, “Shit! Coffee dates are for losers! They never work!” So I said I’d rather go to a bar. We did meet at a bar, and it turns out that not only did Bill not eat animal products or gluten, he doesn’t drink. At all. 

Boyfriend, I know you’re laughing that I even bothered going out with him, but I had to try! I know now that you and I will drink together, with my friends, and with my family. Every once in a while, we will drink too much and have hot sloppy sex or a stupid argument. And some nights we’ll snuggle on the couch while sipping our glasses of wine, and then nod off while watching “Back to the Future.”

These might sound kind of horrible experiences, but I never see it that way. When I meet people like Steve and Bill, it helps me know more surely that I will know you when we meet. 

Boyfriend, we will be secure in our relationship and we’ll never worry what the other one is doing when we’re not there. You will be appropriately flirty with me (and eventually we’ll have hot, sweet sex). We’re going to eat carbs and drink alcohol. I know I'm not asking too much, so I know you're out there.

We are going to have a great time together!

Love,

Kat

P.S. I hope you show yourself soon. Just saying!