How to Dump Someone You Aren’t Really Dating

In the last nine days, I have had seven dates/non-dates, and five of them were with guys I didn’t want to see again. (Thank you, OKCupid and Match!) What does that tell me? Online dating comes with a lot rejection. Yuck!

Sometimes you know immediately you’re not going to be into the person. They say you have seven seconds to make a good first impression. After my past nine days, I totally believe it. For example, I had a terrible coffee date on Saturday – the guy was painfully awkward  -- and I knew within about four seconds that it was going to be a bust. 

In other cases, the person might make a good impression – he’s cute! he’s got a good job! he’s geographically desirable! – but over your coffee/beer/Malbec, you realize there’s just zero chemistry. I went out with that guy last Thursday. We had a very nice time over two glasses of wine but it just wasn’t there. You can’t force it. Trust me, you can’t. (I've tried.)

Or maybe he was such a maniac on the first meeting that you kissed him so you decide to just go out with him again for the hell of it. (Wait, other people don’t do that? Whoops. Cut me some slack, I’m new to dating!) But at dinner you’re sure – this guy is a total d-bag. Yeah, I'm talking about Vic.

One way or the other, a person who is dating is looking for something – maybe true love, maybe just a lay. (Who am I to judge?) Regardless, don’t waste anyone’s time if you know you’re not feeling it.

Here’s how I dumped four guys in one week.

The Totally Boring, Nothing to Talk About, Get Me Out of Here Date

If it’s the end of the date and you know you don’t want to see him again, don’t say you want to see him again. You don't want to see him again, and that's OK! Smile and then say nicely – but firmly – “It was nice meeting you. Have a good weekend!” and then walk away. This *should* work. If not, see below...

The Potential But No Chemistry Date

Sometimes you just don’t know at the end of the date if you’re interested in going out a second time (which, by the way, means you don’t and you don’t want to admit it to yourself). That’s OK. Think about it. Talk to your friends about him. Or do what I do – blog and tweet about him.

When you come to your senses, do what I do and hope you don’t hear from him. When you inevitably do, text him back with “Thank you for asking me out again, but I don’t think we’re a good match for dating. Good luck with your search!” (This line is inspired by Back On Top, a fun book that I highly recommend for divorced women, and this Huffington Post article.) After just one or three dates, dumping via text or email is fine. The responses I’ve gotten have been either silence or just “OK.” Worked for me!

Now let’s say you really, really hoped the cute, smart, geographically desirable guy would eventually light your fire so you’ve gone out with him several times and/or you've seen each other in some state of undress. Once you get real about how you don't feel, you should probably make a phone call to dump him (I did this with David in August). I know, you want to hide behind your iMessage, but come on. Be nice and do the right thing.

Call him when you think he might be free because dumping over voicemail is as bad or worse as dumping over text. Quickly tell him the same line – you are not a good match for dating. Put a period at the end of your sentence because it's not a question, it's a statement. The call will probably take about two minutes if you are succinct and don’t talk too much. Wish him well and hang up. Done!

The key is to be direct and firm
but also polite when you deliver the news. 

Wouldn’t you want the same courtesy?

What are your breakup tips, either as the dumper or the dumpee?

Now a quick update on John, the Just Right Date you heard about last week… we hung out on Saturday and it was great. I haven’t hung out with a guy where the conversation just flowed and I didn’t have any nagging “what about that huge red flag you’re pretending isn’t there” voices in my head since… my first date with Max, which was nine years ago this month. Yikes! John and I have dinner plans on Thursday. I’m looking forward to it!