Dreams: Window to My Subconscious or Just Brain Farts?

Sometimes I think dreams have meaning as my subconscious works overtime to reconcile some issue in my life, but I also think other times dreams are just sleeping brain farts and don’t mean squat.

Since Max and I stopped sharing a bedroom and I filed for divorce, I have had surprisingly few dreams about him or us. But, starting the night before Nora’s wedding (my first wedding post-divorce), Max is infiltrating my dreams. Since I started this blog to help me sort through my unmarried life, let’s take a look at those dreams, shall we?

Holy crap! Why am I dreaming about my ex?!
And why are my eyes so scary?!

The night before Nora’s wedding (June 21)

I called off my own wedding the night before. I have never dreamed this before, not even when I confessed to my journal late at night, just weeks before my wedding, that I was terrified that the intimacy issue would tear us apart. Maybe riding Nora’s pre-wedding bliss brought me back to my own pre-wedding bliss, only this time with a harsh dose of reality: CALL IT OFF. Ouch.

A week after Nora's wedding

It was the equivalent of right now, and I found out somehow that Max was engaged! This was particularly shocking given that he spends so much time alone on the couch with ESPN or the History Channel. Seriously you guys, I think he’s as likely to have gone on a date or kissed anyone as Cheater is to dump his girlfriend or my former mother-in-law is to dump QVC or I am to dump Beverly Hills 90210. Like no freaking way.

So anyway, I said/screeched to Max, “But we promised each other that we would tell each other first about big life changing events!” (We did actually promise each other this months ago.)

He just shrugged and was all like, whatevs.

I got a little hysterical and yelled, “But you haven’t even dealt your shit yet! What kind of a person would marry you?!” (I’ve been in therapy off and on since December. Max, who has serious intimacy problems, has not set foot in a therapist’s office since we stopped going together, and as a far as I know he hasn’t read a self-help book, wrote in a journal, meditated, etc.)

The dream ended with me sobbing one of those super ugly cries. End scene.

My sister, who was widowed at 28 years old, was the first to warn me that men remarry fast, whether due to divorce or widowhood; I keep getting confirmation of this, so I know I need to brace myself for the possibility. Here’s the thing, Max really has no right to begrudge me moving on. I made it clear I wanted physical with emotional intimacy and he couldn’t deliver, so of course now I’m going to seek exactly what he couldn’t give me. But, the thought of him moving on seems so… unfair. I will admit it right now: it's unlikely that going to take it graciously if/when Max starts dating again. It will hurt me terribly, the thought that he was finally able to be intimate with someone after how very hard I tried to get him to open up to me and love me the way I needed to be loved.

I’d like think that my second thought would be to thank goodness that he was able to move past his problems and open up to someone. Eh, probably not. I’ll probably just bitch about it to you guys and my Twitter peeps.

Last week

It’s the night before my wedding (but I think it’s somehow current day). I had to assemble my bouquet myself. As I tried to put it together, it was full of pins or something, and I saw my hands scraped and bleeding. While my bridal bouquet tore my hands apart, a fire started in the kitchen of my parents’ house and the house started to burn down. Happy wedding day!

I’ve read that dreams symbolize how you connect with the world, so injured hands can suggest bruised ego and blood on your hands means guilt. Well, I think two of the most ego bruising experiences are rejection from your significant other (check!) and getting divorced (check!). And guilt? Oh, I have plenty of that. For one thing, I was raised Catholic, so there’s always something to feel guilty about. But more seriously, I tortured myself over leaving Max, someone with such serious problems… and problems that I think are rooted in sexual trauma of some kind. Leaving someone in pain can be absolutely necessary and the right thing to do, but it doesn’t change the guilt that I will always have. What do you think is the meaning to the house burning down? 

Whew, thanks for joining me on my dream interpretation. Now it’s your turn. Does your ex appear in your dreams? Do you dream about the way things were or how you wish things had gone? Have you learned anything about yourself or your relationship due to a dream? Or do you think dreams are just useless sleepy brain farts?

Check out my first post on Geek and Jock: Is Masturbation Healthy? Taking Matters Into My Own Hands With Joy.