I Got Laid! Now What?

Dear readers, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. After three years as an involuntary born-again virgin, I’m happy to report that I have re-lost my virginity. 

Yes, folks, Kat finally got laid!

Allow me to share the story with you.

Last weekend at Nora’s wedding, I ended up hanging out late night at the after party at the hotel. The group got smaller and smaller. Eventually it was just me and this guy who I’ll call Cheater, someone I’d never met or talked to before, sitting around a fire pit. We started talking about the bride and groom and what a great couple they were. Then, the conversation took a big turn.

"Can I ask you a personal question?" he asked.

I took a sip of lukewarm white wine from my Solo cup. "Sure," I replied.

"How did you know that it wasn’t right with your ex-husband?" he asked carefully.

Well, this opened the floodgates for Cheater. He started telling me all about his girlfriend and that he thinks he knows he should break up with her but… (I’d heard bits about this drama from Nora before, but I pretended it was all new information. That is how girls operate.) Somehow I turned into his therapist and was very blunt with him, telling him obvious things that I learned the hard way, like if shit is not functioning right now, it’s only going to get worse if you ever get married. I should have charged him $200 an hour for my wit and insight.

Next thing I knew, he was throwing curveballs at me and totally started hitting on me, telling me how amazing I am, how hot I am, blah blah blah. Even in my tipsy state, I rolled my eyes at his sweet drivel but in spite of myself, I enjoyed hearing it. He was also practically salivating when he found out I hadn’t had sex in so long. Given I’d been drinking for about 17 hours, I was a little slow on the uptake at first, particularly because he had a girlfriend. (I’m kind of naïve in that I assume that people in relationships don’t cheat.)

Once I caught on, I debated. I mean, this is a random dude and I know he has a girlfriend. Obviously I didn’t know his girlfriend, but still, not very classy on my part to get it on with him. Then, the other part of me kicked in with, “But he says he’s dumping her, I'm not the one with a significant other so it’s his problem if he cheats, and he’d probably be pretty good in the sack.”

The sun was coming up, the birds were starting to chirp, so it was decision time.

Yeah, we all know where this went: back to his hotel room for two hours of raunchy fun. During breaks, I looked him square in the eye actually said to him, “You realize you have to tell your girlfriend, because if you don’t you’re a major dirtbag.” I really know how to contribute to the mood, don’t I?

By 7:30 a.m., thanks to 23 waking hours and several orgasms, I was done. Cheater asked me to stay and sleep with him, but I declined. (I still can’t handle sleeping beside a man – it’s just too much.) Before I left, he asked – no, begged – me for my number. I shrugged and gave it to him. If I had to do over, I would’ve said no. But anyway…

Andrea hits some ugly sheets with her Resident Assistant.

Back in my hotel room, I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. Remember how when Andrea lost her virginity, she asked Brandon if she looked different? [Sorry, another Beverly Hills 90210 reference.] Or in Judy Blume books, when girls get their periods they look in the mirror and wonder if they look different? This was me at 7:30 a.m.: 33 years old and after aching for sex for so long, I’d finally gotten it. Did I look different? Well, I looked like a hot mess, that was for damn sure, but other than my explosive hair and streaky makeup, I looked the same. The same woman who once had good sex with Max, then had zero sex with Max, and was variously rejected by Todd and the 26 Year Old, had finally gotten laid!

Um, now what?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot over the past week, which is part of why I’ve been holding out on you with this juicy tale (the other reason was that I had to tell Nora before I told the blogosphere). Now that I’ve finally had sex again, oddly, I kind of don’t care when I have it next. I don’t regret having sex with Cheater (even if it was hardly my classiest choice), I am still loving my off and on “friendship” with the 26 Year Old, and my vibrator is still rocking my world, so the sexual side of me is definitely not going dormant again. But maybe it’s best for me to hover at third base until I have a boyfriend again. I don’t need My Number going up and therefore risking getting an STD or something fun like that. Further, it would be nice to be able to have sex with a man and then want to sleep beside him afterward, and I am not quite ready for that yet.

By the way, Cheater called me on Monday. He turned me into his therapist again, still hemming and hawing over what to do about his girlfriend and telling me that he has never opened up to anyone like he has to me. I gave him more tough love. Then I told him he cannot be in contact with me as long as he has a girlfriend, but whenever I do see him through our mutual friends, he need not worry about me, his secret is safe. He was relieved that I can be discreet (other than telling YOU, dear readers!). Oh, and he asked, “I believe everything you said to me was true, but I have to ask… Was that really your first time having sex in three years?!” I said, “Yup, you can’t make that shit up!”

Six days after this phone call, I can now tell you with certainty that even if he breaks up with his girlfriend (and that's a big IF), I’m not interested. He is a sweet and fun guy and we had a great time together, but the last thing I need is a to date a guy I cannot trust and has a lot of relationship baggage. Unfortunately, he has both characteristics. Cheater, I wish you all the best!

It’s your turn. What was your first sex post-breakup like? Who was the person? Were you able to enjoy it? Any regrets?

See also: In Favor of Casual Sex.